Should I Have Another Baby?

 I google everything.  I want to know everyone's advice before making a decision.  When I plan vacations, I spend months making sure we aren't wasting time on tourist traps or food that we could just get at home.  The biggest thing I think I am trying to avoid is regret.  I don't want to make a choice that is going to cause me to regret it one day.  The most stress-causing decisions of my life have always involved the question of having more children. 

My first baby was a happy surprise.  Our second was an easy decision since his brother was so easy.  We hit a rough patch in our marriage and in our lives in general after that.  I was in graduate school and working nights in the ICU as a new nurse.  Adam was working a full time job as well and trying to keep our kids quiet on weekends when I needed to sleep during the day to work at night.  It was very tough.  On top of that, my mother moved in with us and we were raising my brother and sister.  I had been drinking too much to "wind down" every night I wasn't working.  This was the hardest time in our marriage. 

When my second was two years old, I asked Adam about having another baby.  It was an emphatic "no". I don't even know why I wanted another baby, our lives were so busy and not very happy at that point. I just had this pull and knew I wanted another.  We did a lot of soul searching, I quit my nightly wine habit, we set some boundaries with my mother, and spent more time just talking and being together.  We have since found that no matter how hard everything seems, if we prioritize our time together- we can get through anything. 

Adam agreed to one more baby and that is how we had our third.  When she was two years old, I was in graduate school again- my nurse anesthesia program. It was far more rigorous than anything I had done for my education. I asked EVERYONE I came across that had more than two children the following questions:

• Why did you stop having children?
• Are you happy with your decision?
• Are your children close to one another?
• Do you feel like you have time for all of them? Emotionally?

Everyone was so happy that they had decided to have another baby. Everyone "felt done" after their last baby. Where was my "done" feeling?! What if I never have that feeling?! I was taking a patient to the operating room for surgery.   We were having the talk because she had three children.  She said she had always wanted another child but her husband didn't so they stopped at three.  She said she spent the rest of the kids' childhood looking around the dinner table and thinking someone was missing. She said you won't ever regret having another baby but you may regret not having that baby. That made the decision for me. 

I had brought up having another baby with Adam a few times and he was not having it, our lives were too busy and we were just about the enter the "easy time" when they all just play together. We went on a date and watched a movie called Boyhood that was filmed over thirteen years in Austin. For some reason, it lit a fire in me and I begged Adam to please agree to have one last baby. He laughed (awkward scared laugh- I was crying a lot) and agreed in the parking lot of the movie theater. 

So our fourth was born and we were "done".  I cried in labor because I couldn't imagine not having another baby. I struggled with being done.  I tried to make a pregnancy pact with two coworkers who had four kids.  "Come on, guys! All the high school kids are doing it!" One of them actually did go on to have a fifth, I'll assume because of the pact.  When Adam told me that we would need to move to Dallas for work I said "NO!". Then, over the next few months of realization that this was something we needed to do for our family, I brought up having another baby...or two. With his promotion, I could have more time for our kids and go down to part time with my work. He immediately agreed.  His reasoning behind not having more kids was always about whether or not we could be there for all of them emotionally. With me going from 70 hours a week to 30 hours a week, I had a lot more emotional bandwidth. 

Even though Adam agreed to have more kids, I still really struggled with the decision. I didn't want to have just one more because our kids are all in pairs and it is easier for us when they have a buddy to play with and watch over one another.  So it was two or zero. Here were my concerns about having another baby, in no particular order:

• travelling can be hard and expensive with that many people
• transportation- I would have to get a bigger vehicle by baby number 6
• I didn't want to die in labor and leave all my kids without a mother
• I didn't want to roll the dice on a healthy perfect baby- I had hit the lottery four times
• Our kids were getting easy- no more diapers and crawling and bottles and baby gates

Here are other peoples' concerns about me having more babies:

• the planet can't handle more people
• they think its weird
• they assume we can't afford it 
• I should adopt instead of making more kids

We are fortunate to be very thrifty, have great jobs, and have a good support network. These are crucial for us to be able to have this many children and give them everything we want to give them. That wasn't really the issue for me. It was regret. Would I have one more kid and our well-oiled machine would fall apart, I would become a basket-case and my kids would be unhappy and unsuccessful? When I'm feeling strong in myself, I realize this isn't rational. This is fear. I don't want to live my life in fear.  I haven't done that in the past.  

Looking back, this seems to be a post about how I emotionally manipulated my husband into having children he didn't want.  His natural tendency is to be a naysayer.  "Adam, let's go to Six Flags today!" NO. "Adam, let's plan a trip to Iceland." NO. "Adam, let's buy a rental property." NO. Pretty much everything fun, exciting, new, interesting, or outside of buying a new video game has involved some convincing. He is my most favorite person in the world and I wouldn't do something if he really felt strongly about it (real examples: joining the military, becoming an OBGYN).  His naysaying is crucial for our relationship.  He is the throttle on my go-go personality.  By making me convince him, go through all of the reasons to do something, I am also convincing myself. I am quieting the fear that lives under my surface.  The problem with this baby was that my naysayer was silent.  I had to be my own throttle. I went through the fears and stigma and decided I was ready to have one more baby.

I know I am beyond blessed to be able to have children when I want them and to be able to stay pregnant. My heart goes out to everyone who knows when to stop having biological children only because their body has said so. I also know that adoption is an option that would benefit the world more than me having another baby, I have stressed about that each time I have considered getting pregnant.  I know adoption and fostering is in our future, it is just not in our immediate future. This is about this voice inside my head telling me to have one more baby. Against all reason. 

I say the word "baby" a lot.  I know that a baby becomes a child.  It would be much easier if I was one of those moms who loves having babies but didn't love being an older kid mom.  I could make myself stop. But I love ALL of it. Yes, teenagers are the worst thing in the world, especially girls, but I have lived through that circle of hell twice and they come out on the other side SO sweet and apologetic AND you get a great friend at that point. I say "baby" but I'm really thinking of thirty years down the line when we are all gathered together for dinner and I know every one is there. 

So here I am, my fifth baby is eight months old and every single day I am making a new decision. My texts to Adam look like this:

Me: Let's get pregnant!

Adam: OK

Me: Schedule a vasectomy!

Adam: OK

It is exhausting having to make this decision on my own. Writing this post helped me to fully understand what I'm doing. This is my habit. I just need to go through the reasons and see if they are legitimate or just fears. Joe De Sena is the founder of the Spartan Race (the one with obstacles, mud, electric wires).  He was recently on one of my favorite podcasts: The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey and talked about having a family mission statement. He suggested you gather your partner and kids and talk about your why.  What is our mission as a family?  Do we want to be the most adventurous family? Athletic? Philanthropic? Loving? What is our vision for the future.  It can change and grow, obviously.  Then each person can write their own mission statement.  How does your mission feed into that of your family?  Then each time you make a big decision, you are asking one another, "Is this feeding our mission and values?"  Our mission is to be the most steadfast family. We want to be present in a loving way for one another and the world forever.  My mission, from the time I can remember, has always been to raise children in a loving and stable home. Will having another child feed that mission? I think so.  Will it serve our family mission?  I think so.  I need to run it by all of our shareholders. 

This baby is calling me. I heard a story once of a mother who had suffered a miscarriage.  She envisioned a number of babies dancing in a little circle over every mother's head.  These represent our children.  Sometimes, they are only with us for a brief moment. They are still meant to be with us.  I feel like I have one more baby up there.